I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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