There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
