you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
