woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
