you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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