get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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