I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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