She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
