i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
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