Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
