i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
