He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
