just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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