I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
