we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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