Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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