Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
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Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
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Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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