I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
