These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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