don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just pee around me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
