I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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