I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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