He asked to "fluff my boner.."
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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