Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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