If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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