If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
