God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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