I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
