while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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