dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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