I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went