connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
