oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
the liver wants what the liver wants
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
