i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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