Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
