Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
