Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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