and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
