did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
