Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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