he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
