That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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