He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
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It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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