Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
