Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
