When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
