I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
