Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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