well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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