don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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