I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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