his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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