I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
