i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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