its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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