You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
