Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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