you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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